I have written many scientific papers in complex topics and even wrote about personal moments in my life, but this blog is by far the most difficult to articulate. Talking about the death of both my parents. It is not only the pain and loneliness that makes it difficult, but more how do I express gratitude to my parents and most of all to Mohanji. What words do I write that helps you the reader, understand the simultaneous heaviness and lightness sitting in my heart. How do I express how Mohanji stood near me and gave me strength during this time? How do I share all that I learned during this time? I guess the only place to start is from the beginning, which actually was months before this all happened.

My parents and I (after they dress me up lol)

Tradition prepares you

It was many months before this all happened, that I began to see a change in both my parents. Each time I spoke to them and particularly each time I saw them, I began to notice how prana was leaving them. It became evident that my parents would not be here much longer. I spoke to a few friends, especially friends that were close to my parents. I remember telling Ajay to prepare himself and even mentioned it to Nameshri and Prathiba. Although the words were coming out of my mouth, I think my mind was not processing it. Death is something we all hide from. So even though the tradition was preparing me, I was not fully accepting. I mean, who wants to accept that both parents are going to leave you. One day I told ajay that once my mum goes, my dad will follow soon. They will want to be together.

From last year I began to see many inauspicious signs. I would have nightmares about my parents, hear certain birds in the dead of night, dream that my parent’s dogs are petrified of being abandoned, and eventually for me one of the most certain signs I experience in my own life….A picture of Mohanji fell and broke, as well as a deity suddenly falling from a shelf and braking. The deity was on the shelf for 7 years and was securely mounted. But suddenly the shelf gave way, and the deity came tumbling down and shattered to pieces. This has happened a few times in my life, each time before the death of a loved one. I’m not saying that we all should believe the many superstitions and omens out there, but I am trying to show how the tradition was slowly preparing me for what was to come.

Grace, Support and protection always is given by Mohanji and the Tradition

The tradition also was preparing my parents. My mum in particular was very vocal about it. She said too many people that she will not be here for very long. During prayers last year and even parties she clearly said to family that this is the last time she will be there for these functions. She even told me on a call, that at next pitrupaksh (prayer for the emancipation of departed ancestors) I will be doing this for her. My dad started talking to me about how he lived his life fully, and he will die happily without any regrets. Ofcourse, I replied to all this by saying they talking nonsense, but truth was ringing in both their words. That was a bitter pill to swallow.

The night before my mum fell ill a heaviness came over me. It was a feeling of utter loneliness, and I told Ajay that the time is here: Mum is going soon. That morning my dad calls at 5am to say my mum has had a massive heart attack and is in hospital. Immediately all the flashing messages from the tradition came to mind, and I was convinced my mum had already passed away and my family did not want to tell me because I had to drive down. While packing, I took white clothes which I would wear for the last rights, and took Tulsi and a piece of gold which is also used at a hindu funeral. We raced to Newcastle and with the blessings of Mohanji, no one stopped us on the way inspite of the Covid-19 lockdown. When I reached the hospital and saw my mum I was relieved she was alive, but seeing her face broke my heart. I could see that majority of her prana left already and she was exiting the body.

Death is inevitable for us all and its a reality we need to face

Meeting mum in Newcastle

When mum saw me, at first she had a big smile and her eyes brightened. But then I could see that she was holding back her tears. I think she knew what was going to happen.

The first thing my mum did was scold me lol. Yes I got scolding. She asked: “what are you doing here? Why did you come? You are doing homas every day at ashram for everyone online, and you should not abandon that dharma. You should not have left doing the homas”. How do I reply to that? How do I say that I have been feeling for a while that she is going to die? All I could say was I will get back to it when she is better.

She then smiled and turned to a nurse and said, “This is my son. He is a Swami” and as an afterthought she added, “He is also a doctor”.  It was then I realized that she first introduced me as a Swami, and not how she normally does by saying Im a doctor first. It dawned to me, that my mum fully accepted the decision that I took to dedicate my life to serving others. Being an only child born after many miscarriages, my decision of wanting to serve in this way was very difficult for my parents to accept. But at that moment it was almost as if she was saying to me that she was proud of me and was giving me her blessings.

I held my mums hand and lied to her that everything is going to be ok. In my heart I knew this was the last few moments I had with her. But my mind was blank. I did not know what to say or what else to do. I was just trying not to cry in front of her.  My dad then said they moving her to Pietermaritzburg. As they were wheeling her out, I mustered the courage to say, “I love you”.

Don’t take it for granted you will have tomorrow to tell people you love them. Do it today

Mohanjis grace flowed in that moment. Inspite of Covid, the ambulance driver allowed me to ride with her in the ambulance. I had to sit in the front seat, but I still got to spend a little more time with her. All the way to the Pietermaritzburg mediclinic I held onto holy stones from Mansorovar, a Shaligram, a Narmada linga and Mohanjis eyecard. I kept praying that whatever has to happen I accept, but Mohanji and the tradition must take care of my mum.

 Its only now that when I look back, do I see how grace has been there sheltering and preparing me.  They put the right people at the right places to help me.

Mediclinic Pietermartizburg

Mum was assessed by a cardiologist called Dr Maharaj. He said that she needed a stent to be put in and it’s a common procedure and she will be out soon. As they were taking her to the Cat-Lab, I chanted Mohanjis gayatri mantra. That was all that was in my mind. That was all that could come out of my lips. I hugged her and I kissed her forehead and she gave me a brave smile.

A smile that I now realize also expressed a good bye.

My dad and I sat outside the Cat-lab chanting and praying. Suddenly, I hear the heart monitor alarm go off and my heart went into my mouth. Cardiac technicians and nurses from the cardiac ICU rushed into the Cat-lab. After a few minutes Dr Maharaj calls me to say that the deterioration to my mum’s heart was worse than what they anticipated. The entire left side of her heart was badly damaged and that he may need to do open heart surgery on mum.  At that moment I ran to the car. Ajay was babysitting Kamakshi and could also not come with us because of the hospital rules with covid. Infact, only one person was allowed to be with mum, but they allowed both myself and dad to be there. I told Ajay what happened and we walked into the hospital. Again, grace was such that all three of us was allowed to wait together.

As we sat there, my dad and Ajay in tears, all I could do was chant. Again the heart monitor alarm went off and this time it was not stopping. I see another doctor running into the Cat-lab and after a while Dr Maharaj comes out. He says to me that mums condition is very critical. They found a blood clot in her heart that it was situated in a very difficult place to reach. It was in the main artery, exactly where there is a split. So it is difficult to put a stent in there. Each time they went into her heart, she crashed and her heart stopped.  They ventilated her and they need to try and make her stronger for open heart surgery.  They inserted a pump in her heart to help it beat.

We got to see her an hour later. So many pipes going into her body and 13 different drips all over her arms and feet from adrenaline to blood pressure medication. She was unconscious but we sat there for a few moments. I could see my dad began to take a strain from crying and I suggested we go home. I needed my dad to rest, but that night no one slept for more than two or three hours.  We woke up early that morning and we left for the hospital, beginning the ordeal of traveling and visiting the hospital during lockdown.

The first week

That first week was torture. Sitting at the hospital waiting room for hours and hours a day hoping to see a doctor walk passed for us to get information about mums condition. She was not getting stronger and was rapidly deteriorating. With each day, my dad also got more and more worried. My dad always has a smile on his face no matter what is going on in this life. His response is always brave and always “I’m ok”. But my dad was beginning to break down. He was crying often which I never saw my dad do except once when his mum passed away. We began facilitating Maitri for mum and created a Mahasudarshan yantra and began worshiping it.

At the end of that week during that March month, Dr Maharaj said that things are not looking good at all. The cardio-thoracic surgeon refuses to operate because mum is not strong enough to even sustain opening her chest.

As a last option they going to try and put the stent again.  The wheeled her into the Cat-Lab again, and this time I was the one in tears. I could not hold it back anymore and I could not be strong for my dad and Ajay anymore. The tears burst forth, all the while chanting to Lord Dattatreya as advised by Mohanji.

I kept praying to Lord Dattatreya, that I will accept whatever he thinks is best. But my dad is suffering and he will not manage to cremate my mum. He is already in so much pain, what will happen if my mum leaves. If I’m honest, I will also admit that I also cried out to him saying that my mum is my strength. My mum’s presence helps me manage what I go through, especially dealing with people that seem to take great pleasure in hurting me.  Her love shields me from focusing on what needs to be done, and not worry about the people.

A warmth came over me. A sudden feeling of peace and most of all silence. I had a communion with Lord Dattatreya. I did not see him, but felt that unmistakable presence of nature. He said to me that my mums time is up, as planned by her. It then struck me that March is a very significant month for my mum.  My mum’s parents both died in March and I was born in that month. Lord Dattatreya said that my dad will suffer greatly if he sees my mum die today. He went on to say, that to ease my dad’s pain he can extend my mum’s life for a little while longer but she will be in pain. But this pain will be purifying and will give her moksha. My dad will not suffer seeing mum cremated. At that point in time, when Lord Dattatreya said “a little while longer”, I assumed it would be at least a two or three years. Little did I realize it would be a few months?

Grace flows always as needed by you and not necessarily as you want. But in the end, its always for the best

But this is how grace works. He knew Dad also did not have much time left. So he did not want the last few months to be in the absolute agony of losing your life partner.  Lord Dattatreya blessed us and his energy disappeared.  Dr Maharaj came out of the Cat Lab and said that the stent was inserted and that mum’s heart is pumping blood well. My dad and Ajay was so happy. I told them about the experience with Lord Dattatreya and that we need to make the most of the time we have with eachother.

Looking back, I see that Lord Dattatreya kept his promise. My dad did not see my mum die and my mum did not see my dad die. This is truly a blessing of grace. That emotional turmoil of losing a partner is so difficult to bear. My parents were very attached to eachother, and the pain of loosing eachother would have been too much to bear. My loving tradition spared them that pain. What a blessing to have both parents not consciously go through that pain.

My eyes are filling with tears…tears of gratitude….so I think I will stop here. I’ll leave the rest for another blog.

27 Comments

  1. Molly

    Swamiji.I feel ur pain….I could feel ur wordings and feel the similar experiences…Thank u for sharing.gives me a better understanding to accept what has happened to me.Love u

  2. Dinesh

    Truly heartbreaking, every word felt like I was living in the time….this really gives me so much faith swamiji and helps to rejuvinate the spirituality and the belief in our tradition. The love from Mohanji is beyond boundaries. Jai Mohanji.

  3. Jayshree

    All my Love to you. The pain I feel reading your write up is nothing compared to your pain and suffering . I pray the Grace of Mohanji and the Tradition  helps you through this. One day you will look back and forget the pain  and only remember all the beautiful memories you shared. Take care and May God grant you strength and fortitude 

  4. Vishalin

    Swamiji!!! I don’t have the words. Even in your darkest hours in this life you are teaching us, loving us, shining a light and showing us the way forward. I’m so grateful to you for being in my life.

  5. Molly

    I feel ur pain Swamiji…reading ur blog has brought back many memories of me spending time with mum and dad.May Babaji grant u strength…Lots of love and blessings Swamiji.

  6. Prathiba Singh

    My Dearest Swamiji With tears flowing..as I read this blog I feel the heart ache you endure for the unbearable loss of your most precious Mum and Dad..i am still lost trying to find words to comfort you.

    My prayer for you ..May Mohanji and the tradition give you strength to embrace each passing day.

    Two beautiful souls have reunited as Angels to watch over you. I thank Mother and Father for the gift they have left us with.

    Love and Divine Light surround their beautiful souls

    Jai Mohanji ❤

  7. Devi Mohan

    Our dearest Swami Bhaktananda – I was feeling you often, feeling your silence much needed to digest all these intense experiences, out of the deepest love towards those who brought us to Earth.
    It is needed to take the time to grief over the physical loss of our dearest ones, but know that we love you – you have a much bigger family, always…
    With love eternal, Devi

  8. Manu

    Swamiji- loosing any physical being is a loss to left ones. But what you have gone through and how you got guided in this journey is not something common.

    One way of looking to this is, your prayers, your karma and your spiritual journey made you aware of the situations and prepared you to deal with it in best capacity you could and that’s a huge blessing from Mohanji and from the tradition.

    Other way of looking to this is, you lost the most dearest person and no one can fill that Gap. No one and this void will always be there.

    But the memories of your family members, their support and finally the support of Mohanji and tradition will last for long and will make you more stronger each day.

    All my Love to you. I am sure everyone reading this will feel the pain. Take care and stay blessed.

  9. Sanja Stanković

    I was so touched by your words dear brother. And it definitely made me thinking about the parents, death, lost and how we should “bring flowers” while they are still in the body. Sending all my love to you! ❤️

  10. Devika

    Dearest Swamiji
    Much love to you. How does one even have words to express to you in this time.. Reading your words I felt your every moment of pain.. I could identify with all the signs from the traditions too as I’ve received them too just before my granny passed so suddenly.. I also see how the tradition has. Rough to you the lightness of heart.. Of acceptance and the grace of something so powerful that it allows us to continue despite so greata loss which could so potentially be debilitating. Ive noticed that so many of us close to the tradition have lost loved ones now.. I believe that it’s happening ow because the timing is right and that the tradition will guarantee their mokhsa.. I take comfort in this and I know that you will too knowing that they have been especially chosen at this time for their boon to be granted.. It leaves us without their presence in our physical plane but their presence in our hearts will give us the strength and courage to March on and they will inspire you swami to continue bringing light to those of us left behind.. Big hug swami.. Love you.

  11. Nargesh Mahabeer

    Swamiji with tears in my eyes i know its was the most difficult time of like. I feel for you Swamiji. With Mohanji grace you are strong and time will heal.and you will have only the beautiful memories. Your mum and dad will always watch over you. Its not easy loosing both your parents. May Babaji give you great strength and take away all your pain. Love you Swamiji

  12. Kanthi

    I understand fully what you went through. My mum also passed on on the 19 June 2020 and she was always telling us its the last time we go on holiday she kept preparing us but we kept saying she is not God and said she is talking crazy stuff. Reading your message brings back so many memories of how my mum was and the loss we feel, the hole in our hearts can never be replaced but I made peace with the fact that my mum is pain free. Free from Cancer. I cannot tell you to be strong as some days you feel strong and some days you are weak to the core. Just take one day at a time and know your parents are in peace together.
    Take care

  13. Niresha

    Dearest Swamiji…. I’ve read your paper and could not do so without shedding some tears…Your parents will be remembered as being such wonderful people… Sending lots and lots of love! ❤️❤️❤️

  14. Banu Rita

    As I read your blog I cried and cried as I felt your pain. The loss of a parent is very heart breaking. The loss of both your parents is even more heart breaking. They were indeed both very loving souls. Always smiling and they both had an aura of love.

    May God give you the strength.

  15. Shireen Surjoo

    My dear Swamiji
    No words can describe the emotions I felt whilst reading such a beautiful blog. Two lovely souls gone too soon. Even though it was a short space of time that we knew your parents it was such a great pleasure. We pray for strength and Fortitude in such difficult times
    Much love

  16. Pranisha Sewbalak

    No Child born should ever face this.

    With you higher Self into been a swami and a Bramhachari has elevated you to soar to such great heights.

    Swani you are a Blessing to your parents and to us all.

    I have no words…
    Lots of love and light….

    Pranisha

  17. Gayatri Jayshankar

    Dear Swamiji, I have always seen you smiling…Your experience was as if I was experiencing it first hand..Yes Parents are God’s on earth and when they are with us we should nurture every moment…Sadly what I have seen in many people are the way they treat them,so callously…..
    God bless youSuch dedication and love..
    Let they be in Guru Mohanji’s Light always
    Thankyou for sharing..

  18. Malthi Singh

    Beautifully written with so much of emotion SwamijiMom was my school friend and who in Newcastle did not know Dad.. He always had a smile on his face and always a good word for everyone ♥️May these 2 beautiful souls be a guiding light in your life.

  19. hanumatananda

    Beloved Swamiji,
    Thank you for sharing these most intimate and most painful experiences, I felt each pain and struggle. I was fortunate enough to meet both of your parents and feel the softness and kindness of your Father and the strength and stability of your Mother. I am blessed to have met them and I know Mohanji is with them for eternity
    Love you
    h

  20. Ashlynn Singh

    Swamiji my heart goes out to u reading ur painful story….I am sorry for ur loss. I no mum n dad personally as I am some part of this family…. They were pleasant people especially dad…. I had many pleasant encounters with him… ALWAYS jolly n smiling…. I have experienced many losses of such n its not easy…. All I wanna say is take 1 step at a time n jus know they are ur angels watching over u n u are blessed by them to…. Stay strong as that is how they would want u to be…. Stay blessed

  21. Sandra

    Beloved Parambhakta a great big loving hug to youlosing Mum and Dad is clearly transcendental. Knowing Mohanji was holding you all in a shield of protection as destiny gets fulfilled in this lifetime helps us all too. There was also such joy reading about how your beautiful parents achieved moksha with his grace. You are a lion beloved Bhakta. We all have the same destination. May the journey there be as blessed. Always love to you and Ajay

  22. Maja

    Dear Swamiji,
    I will always remember the great role you played when it was the time for my mom to cross over to the other side, hand-in-hand with Mohanji. I shall also cherish with gratitude your kind words that made me sure she was in a very good place and well taken care of. It meant so much to me. Thank you <3
    I have no doubt that the Tradition is doing the best possible for Its lovely child. May you be in Peace and safe embrace of Mohanji's Love and Protection always.

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